


Not In The Cards

by missrhondalee



Category: Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: Drunkenness, Episode Related, F/M, Foreplay, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Humor, I mean sort of, Mutual Loneliness, Season Eight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26510005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missrhondalee/pseuds/missrhondalee
Summary: After one too many drinks, Carmine and Laverne decide to go all the way but the universe has other plans.
Relationships: Laverne DeFazio/Carmine Ragusa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Not In The Cards

Frank DeFazio had recently been elected to be a part of Burbank's city council and his friends hosted a party at Cowboy Bills to honor him. It was the perfect place to celebrate considering how close he got to lose his beloved restaurant. Although Laverne helped plan the party and invited most of the guests, she was being ignored by all the single guys here. All of them except one. Carmine came on his own too because he also failed to find a date and needless to say although this was a happy occasion, neither of them were cheerful.

Obviously to keep up appearances and not to ruin Frank's night, Laverne acted like she was having a good time but Carmine could see right through her that it was just a facade, that she was faking it. Her Pop had struggled so much to get to where he was today and she couldn't risk ruining his big night. Even more with Edna running out on him a couple of months ago around the same time Shirley split. That was when things started going downhill for her. Laverne's entire life turned upside down that evening she found the note. Although she had been expecting it considering Shirley had married Walter just weeks prior and she was pregnant but it still hurt. It has been three months now and although she and Shirley managed to sort things out over the phone, Laverne knew that part of her life was over and seeing in which direction it was now going, she was anything but enthusiastic about it.

Her job at Ajax was even more boring than capping bottles at Shotz forever ago and as the universe reminded her tonight, she couldn't recall the last time she'd brought a guy home let alone spent the night with one. She'd even considered asking Chuck the nut from work to come tonight as her date but she couldn't bring herself to sink that low. Needless to say, if it wasn't for alcohol Laverne knew she wouldn't have made it through the evening. Now she wasn't plastered but she was definitely more than tipsy and so was Carmine. His being dateless wasn't the only reason he drank he was also sick and tired of his life going nowhere. He'd only moved to California to be with Shirley and look how that turned out. He was thirty years old and had nothing to show for it. His singing telegram job was supposed to be temporary but he was still delivering them every day and the longest relationship he's been in in the last three years lasted two weeks. Wasn't he supposed to have made something of himself by now? The fact that he was slightly jealous of Laverne's father for becoming someone important only reminded him of how pathetic he was. They were both feeling crummy so they'd kept each other company throughout the entire evening drinking glass after glass and that had made the party more bearable for them both.

It was past midnight when everyone started going home including them. Rhonda offered to give them a lift back to the apartment building and they accepted gladly. Even though she'd been drinking Laverne knew driving was out of the question. Okay, she hated her life but not to the point of wanting to die drunk driving. Neither of them could emotionally afford to be alone right now and it was like they read each other's minds.

"I know it's late but...would you like to hang out for a bit?" Laverne offered as they stepped closer to her apartment.

Only the thought of going home alone on a Saturday night depressed him. "Sure."

Carmine watched her unlock the door and stagger inside. He followed her in and shut the door. Her stomach growled suddenly and they laughed. That was why the alcohol had kicked in much faster than usual. She surely didn't forget to drink tonight. She just forgot to eat, too.

"I'm starving. Do you want anything?"

He shrugged, "I could eat."

Carmine divested himself of his jacket throwing it onto the couch and then followed Laverne to the kitchen. She opened the fridge spotting the half eaten chocolate cake that she bought two days ago because it was on sale. While Carmine located the forks, Laverne clumsily reached for the cake and deposited it slowly on the counter. She also got the can of whipped cream out. "Whipped cream, huh? Gives me ideas."

Laverne playfully elbowed him as they laughed, "Shut up."

Carmine took a bite, "That's actually quite nice. Very tasty."

Guilt overtook Laverne as she brought her fork to her mouth knowing perfectly that this piece of cake would go straight to her thighs. Like she wasn't hating herself enough already.

"I know I shouldn't but it's not like anyone's looking at me these days." she sighed loudly still upset that no one had even glanced her way tonight. She knew if Carmine hadn't been there to keep her company, she'd probably have drunk herself senseless. For real.

"You know that L?" she pointed to the sewn letter on her dress, "It stands for Loser with a capital L."

Carmine has always known Laverne to belittle herself and tonight was no different. But this time it was even worse because she's been drinking so it intensified her low self esteem.

"Now come on, don't be like that."

Laverne shrugged, "It's true. Not one guy glanced my way tonight."

"They probably saw you with me-"

"We both know that's not it." Guys were ignoring her way before Carmine made an appearance to the party. They've been ignoring her everywhere lately.

If she was giggling two minutes ago now she found herself on the verge of tears. She sniffled loudly taking another bite of the cake. Although she was happy for Shirley, she was jealous of her. Her best friend had succeeded and she was just a failure compared to her. Or at least she thought she was and being literally ignored by everyone tonight on top of it all was just too much. Carmine knew he had to do something to cheer her up because if she started crying then he'd end up feeling even crummier than he already did and he couldn't afford to go down that road tonight. He grabbed the can of whipped cream spraying it over his eyebrows and nose. He then nudged her playfully.

"Hey. What do you think of my new look? You think I can pull it off? It's almost Christmas. They're looking to hire Santas at the mall."

Laverne glanced up and started laughing at Carmine's face. "What are you doing?"

"Cheering you up?" and boy was he relieved it was working. Even more when the cream on one of his eyebrows dripped down his face and shirt. Her laughter somehow became uncontrollable after that and infectious too and it took them a few minutes to calm down.

She'd laughed so hard she ended up crying. "I needed that." She wiped her tears still chuckling, "Thanks."

"Look, I know that doesn't mean much coming from me but for what it's worth, I think you look lovely in that dress." he even went as far as telling her she had a gorgeous body. Which was the damn truth.

She rolled her eyes snorting. "Yeah, sure."

"I'm serious."

"Really? You mean that?"

"Hell yeah!"

She smiled when she realized he was being sincere. She then winked, "You're not unpleasant to look at either. If you know what I mean." in the couple of times she saw him without a shirt on, Laverne remembered being speechless. Shirley had even asked her to close her eyes once because she was literally ogling him.

"Although you look nicer without the cream all over your face. Come here."

She located the dish towel quickly and wiped the cream off. Their eyes locked for a minute and Carmine lifted his hand and brought it to his face on top of hers. The next few seconds were a blur. The alcohol mixed in with their mutual loneliness was impairing their judgment. They simultaneously leaned in and started kissing. Softly at first but then frantically. Laverne bumped into the fridge and she moaned as he pressed his body against her now, kissing her neck while his hands roamed over her body. It was no secret that they were attracted to each other. Hell, they'd even acted on it once and since neither of them had been touched in ages it only inflamed them more. Although Carmine never wanted this feeling to go away, he still knew what they were doing would have consequences later on.

"Should we be doing this?" he asked between intense kisses.

"Probably not."

They reluctantly stopped kissing. He cleared his throat taking a step back and they now stared at each other panting loudly. "We've had too much to drink."

Laverne nodded as her heart was pounding in her chest and the pulsing between her legs was hard to ignore.

"I think I should leave.." So what now? He was going to go home and jerk off? He really was pathetic.

Laverne panicked at the sound of these words and shook her head taking his hand. “No.”

She couldn't be alone tonight. "What if we did. I mean, would that be so bad?"

"But you just said we probably shouldn't-"

"I know but..."

"No. No. We've had too much to drink." he repeated although it was harder to remain lucid when she was standing just inches from him.

"So what? We're not hurting anybody." Carmine panted as her hand was dangerously finding its way to the front of his pants. "Besides I've always wondered what it would be like, you know?" the last time they hadn't gone much further than what just occurred minutes ago and for years Laverne had always wondered what would have happened if their fling had turned into something a lot more serious. Maybe it was about time they found out.

He stammered, "You mean..with me?"

She nodded and began leaving a trail of kisses along his jaw line. Carmine moaned when she slid her hand inside his pants. Wanting to make her feel as good, he reciprocated by sliding his hand under her dress and Laverne groaned loudly as she felt his fingers into her panties. "Oh, God..."

Okay, there was definitely no going back now and they knew it.

They were back kissing, "Shall we take this upstairs?" Laverne mumbled against his lips.

Carmine nodded frantically as he felt his pants tighten. He followed her as she took his hand and led him to the staircase. By the time they reached the last step, Laverne had kicked off her shoes and they'd resumed their passionate kissing. Things were escalating as Carmine took his shirt off and the sight of his muscled torso aroused her even more. How on earth had Shirley been able to keep her hands off him all these years?

She stubbed her toe against the door frame just as they were about to enter the bedroom and she let out a small yelp. "Fuck! Ow!"

"Are you okay?"

Giggling, she reassured him she was. He then helped her unzip her dress letting it puddle to the floor. Laverne could see a distinct bulge in his pants as they finally made it to the bed. She giggled again when Carmine fell clumsily on top of her.

He panted, "I'm so glad you decided to get a double bed."

Laverne sold the two beds a couple of weeks after Shirley moved out. With her best friend out of the picture, she'd wanted a fresh start too. Until tonight she'd regretted spending the money considering she hadn't brought a guy inside her bedroom since she bought it.

Once he kicked off his shoes and took his pants off, he was back kissing her face as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Carmine groaned loudly as she stroked the front of his boxers. She moaned, her body jerking upwards as he pulled down her slip to suck on her breasts while his hand stroked her now damp panties. "Oh, my god."

She pulled on his hair as Carmine was now leaving a trail of kisses all the way down to the front of her panties. Something miraculously snapped inside her just as he was about to pull them down. Laverne was drunk and she hadn't had sex in ages so she hadn't thought about this..until now. She forgot to do something very important that could have terrible consequences for the both of them. They'd decided to go through with this and that was fine..but getting pregnant sure as hell wasn't.

Things had been much simpler in that area when she used to be on the pill. But with Shirley gone and her new job not paying as much as what she used to make at Bardwell's, she was financially tight. Plus Shirley kinda stopped sending her checks in the mail for the rent. Her best friend had a whole new life now. Why would she keep paying rent when she didn't live here anymore? The change in income and the stack of bills forced Laverne to sacrifice a few things to make ends meet and since her dating life was almost nonexistent these days she figured her old contraceptive was more than enough on the rare occasions she'd end up in tonight's position.

She stopped him reluctantly. "Wait." she panted, "Wait."

Carmine thought she was changing her mind and he panicked.

"What? What is it? What's wrong?" he breathed heavily, "You're having seconds thoughts-" Oh God, not another cold shower....

Didn't the universe torture him enough already? All those years with Shirley. All those hours spent in the shower ending up having to pay astronomical water bills...Fuck. Couldn't he get a break at some point? It would be all right if they'd just kissed for a bit..but he was about to pull down her panties for Christ's sake.

She reassured him, "No. I want to."

Thank God. "What's the matter then?"

"I just have to do something."

"Right now?! You're joking." she wiggled out from underneath him. "It won't take long."

He grabbed her hand. "It can wait. Come on." he was desperate and wouldn't you be too if you were him? "What do you have to do that's more important..than this?"

He looked so worried that she couldn't help but smile. "Does birth control ring a bell?"

He breathed a sigh of relief chuckling damn grateful that she'd thought about it because it hadn't even crossed his mind. "Yes. Go ahead." he told her to hurry as she disappeared into the bathroom. Laverne panicked minutes later realizing she couldn't find her diaphragm anywhere. She did do a thorough cleaning the other day. Did she toss it out by mistake? Great, on the one night she actually needed it....

She returned to the bedroom to tell him. "I can't find it. I looked everywhere."

"We can't stop now. Come on." he racked his brains trying to come up with something because there was no way in hell they were not doing this. “Okay. Hear me out.”

"How about this? I'll pull out."

She didn't like the sound of that. She shook her head, "What if you don't?"

"I will. Come on, you can trust me." he took her hand leading her back to the bed but she shook her head again. "Not when you've been drinking. We can't risk it."

Although he was beyond frustrated, he knew she was right. So what now? Just as Carmine thought all hope was lost..he glanced to the floor and saw his wallet sticking out of his pants. He knew there was a condom in there. He was sure of it because the last girl he tried to have sex with.. slapped him across the face and turned him down royally when he brought it up. Not one of his finest moments...

"Would a condom work? Best option we got right now.."

The look on his face as she agreed made her giggle. His relief was kinda cute. Plus knowing his history with Shirley in that department she couldn't blame him. She was still laughing thinking about the time they used to call him pruny Ragusa back in Milwaukee.

He laughed too reaching for his wallet, "What? What's so funny?"

She was back kissing and stroking him now as they returned to the bed. She was sitting while he was on his knees trying to locate the blue squared packet inside the wallet. He couldn't think straight anymore as her hand reached inside his boxers to stroke him. After handing the wallet to her, Carmine pulled down his underwear and kicked them off.

"You do it. Look for it."

Laverne found it but the packet for some reason stuck to the wallet and wouldn't budge. Carmine leaned in to see what was going on just as she was grunting trying to take it out. As she finally succeeded, her hand accidentally hit him in the face startling Carmine so much that it caused him to lose his balance and fall off the bed. He grunted loudly as his face hit the floor with a loud thud.

Laverne gasped loudly covering her mouth with her hands.

Panic spread through her as he groaned in pain. "Are you okay, Carmine?"

Although his fall was pretty hilarious, Laverne wasn't laughing realizing he'd actually hurt himself. Their mutual arousal disappearing in a split second at the seriousness of it all which in all honesty was beyond unreal considering how much they'd been into it.

She got off the bed quickly rushing to him, "Are you okay?"

"Are you okay?" she asked yet again as she knelt down beside him on the floor.

"I think I broke my nose." he wasn't bleeding or anything though so that was reassuring.

Laverne was very concerned and she couldn't help but apologize profusely. "I'm so sorry."

Carmine groaned as she tried to help him up, "I think the universe's trying to send us a message there. That tonight's not the night."

"I'm sorry. Can I get you anything?"

"Nah, it's okay. I'll live. I'm a boxer, remember?" he was actually grateful he hadn't hurt something much more valuable. Not that the universe was ever going to let him have sex anyway. Another sad reminder tonight.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

Carmine felt dizzy now, "I gotta lay down for a minute..or two."

"Are you sure I can't get you anything?" Laverne didn't wait for his response and ran out of the room and down to the kitchen. She came back two minutes later with a box of frozen waffles, the best she could find on such short notice. She quickly took one from the box and placed it carefully on the side of his nose. "Thank you."

She pouted, "Your poor little face."

Something about the waffle felt like deja vu. "Hey. Didn't you use frozen waffles the last time I got beaten up?" although tonight the universe beat his ass and not some actor from a lousy audition.

They started laughing when she said yes. "Not the same brand, though."

Carmine asked her to pick up his underwear off the floor but sitting up to put them back on was an impossible task as even the slightest movement made him dizzier. He miraculously managed to do it with her help. Laverne was sitting beside him now and he placed a gentle hand on her leg. "Listen as soon as I can get up, I'll go home, all right?"

"We can talk about whatever..." he gestured in the air, "this is tomorrow when we've sobered up." he knew he was gonna have one hell of a hangover...

She sighed sadly, "Do you have to?"

"Laverne, it's safe to assume it's not in the cards for us tonight." Laverne misplacing her diaphragm had been their first hint there....

"No, I meant..." she took a deep breath, "Please. I don't want to be alone."

She looked like she was about to cry or something and he reassured her quickly. He was very reluctant to leave her bed anyway so it was actually okay. His throbbing injury made him feel faint and mixed in with the alcohol he'd consumed tonight, it was just a terrible combination. He was actually exhausted.

"How about we just get some sleep?"

Carmine managed to wrap an arm around her waist. Somehow relieved that he wasn't going anywhere, she snuggled closer to him. Just as they were slowly drifting off to sleep, their eyelids getting heavier with each seconds that passed, Laverne realized she forgot to do something again. The lights weren't going to turn themselves off and she told him.

Carmine snored softly in response. Turning them off would mean having to pull out from his embrace and that was literally the last thing she wanted.

"Whatever." Laverne mumbled now, losing her battle with consciousness as she felt herself drift off into a deep sleep joining Carmine straight into lalaland.

Tonight wasn't in the cards but nothing stopped them from shuffling the deck and try again tomorrow.


End file.
